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1. Never give your real
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Dating Advice
Ask April –April Masini that is, nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby," author of the Ask April advice column at www.AskApril.com, the best-selling book Date Out Of Your League , (for men) and the newly released, Think & Date Like A Man (for women). Interviewed by CBS, FOX, ABC, NBC, CNN, MSN, Lifetime, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, New York Daily News, Newsday, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Men's Health, Wired, AOL, WebMD, and Yahoo!... April joins us now to answer some special questions, for you, as fielded by OurTownMatch.com.
QUESTION: How long people should wait before calling a prospective love interest, specifically after their first encounter/meeting. Is it OK for women to call if they don't hear from men after a certain period of time or should they consider that a brush-off?
ANSWER: Warning! Warning! Women should NOT call men after a date to tell them they had a good time, to ask them out on a date, or to tell them their horoscope. Women have got the wrong idea about calling men, and it's hurting their chances in love and the quality of the love they do find. Men want to win. They're hunters. It's in their DNA. If a woman takes the opportunity for the man to hunt them, away from him, by calling, asking him out on a date, or making herself too available, the man will feel like he has a party favor in her -- something everyone gets for just showing up -- rather than the sought after first prize. The same goes for sex. Women should NEVER make the first move -- not in kissing, not in handholding and not in sex. If a woman doesn't hear from a man after a week, he's either very busy with his career, tending to personal business, or he's just not interested. If she doesn't understand that, then she needs to write it down and read it a few times. Calling him a week after a date to find out if he's still interested is a big mistake. It takes the hunt away from him, it makes her too available, and it doesn't preclude him from starting to see her on an "as needed" basis -- meaning, his need to sleep with her. Men have sex because they can. If a woman makes herself available for sex, chances are, the man will have sex with her. It does not mean he likes her, loves her, or sees a future with her -- until, of course, he wants to have sex again, and there's no one else around to have it with.
If a man takes a woman out on a date, or meets a woman at a party -- or wherever -- and takes her phone number (Ladies, puh-leese, don't take the man's number! It's not your job.), he doesn't have to wait a certain amount of time to call her. He can call her that night, the next day, or the following week. The first call he makes is not as important as the first call after their first date. That's the call that will determine if there's a second date or not.
QUESTION: Most women want to get married and most men are ambiguous at best or not interested in that institution. What are your thoughts?
ANSWER: I think that many men DO want to get married, and the trick for the women who want to get married is to find the men who are "in marriage mode." Women waste their time, often, by dating a man who is not going to marry them. The women ignore all the signs and signals that it's just not happening. Then they cry to each other and to me, "What did I do wrong?" The answer is simple: You chose a man who didn't have the same goals you did.
Let me be very clear about this… if a woman feels like her guy is wasting her time and may never ask her to marry him, she should stop spending all of her time with him and immediately begin to date other men—period. Remember – let him do the chasing, not the other way around. If he loves her, he will come after her, he will try to win her back and he will ask her to marry him. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t love her enough to commit to spending his life with her. And why would anyone want to be with someone who does not love them?
As I discuss in my book, Think & Date Like A Man, women need to understand that men have biological clocks, just like they do – they might just operate a little differently. The Sex and the City gang once compared a marriage-ready man to a taxi: At a certain point in his life, he becomes ready for commitment. His "available" light goes on and the next lady in his life gets the ring. Luckily for us, it's easy to tell the difference between men who've got a light on and one who's just driving around in the dark.
When a man is ready to become a husband—your husband—he simply starts acting like a husband. For instance, he will talk about the future and he will make plans for the future; he will introduce you to his family and friends; he will not only call you daily, but he’ll want to tell you the details of his day, while having a desire to hear about yours. Simply put, a man that wants to get married acts like he wants to get married.
On the other hand, a man who is not ready to get married behaves like a guy you are dating—meaning one of the guys you are dating. And if your guy’s own version of the biological clock isn’t telling him it’s time to commit, there’s absolutely no point in pushing him. You can make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum (as many women do), make promises about how great you’ll be to him, and even ultimately snag him, but I guarantee he’ll only end up resenting you for it, or worse—cheating or leaving.
Ladies, here are three signs that indicate a man’s taxi light is on and he’s ready for a committed relationship:
If you’re with a guy who is exhibiting these qualities, has financial independence, as well as shows you respect and interest, you may have found your man! On the other hand, there is NO sense in a woman wasting time on a man who is not ready to marry if she is. It's a recipe for disaster.
QUESTION: What books on dating have you published and what new books do you plan on coming out with?
ANSWER: My first book was a dating book for men called, Date Out Of Your League, based on a dating seminar I did for the Learning Annex in Los Angeles. A few months ago, Think & Date Like A Man, my dating book for women, was released. In June 2006 -- 50 First Dates and The Next 50 Dates will be released, followed by Dating Glamparents (geared toward the 50+ crowd) in January 2007.
QUESTION: Do you have any suggestions for ground rules for couples when they first start dating?
ANSWER: Yes. Here are a few first date tips:
1. First impressions count. One’s personal style (ie: your overall package, including hygiene and hair style, manners, the way you speak and carry yourself – and, of course, the way you dress.) is the single most significant indicator of who someone is, who they want to be, and who they want us to perceive them to be. Statistics show that how we appear says more about us—and is more important—than what we say verbally, especially when it come to first impressions.
That means, no matter how terrific you are, no matter how much your friends, your parents and your dog all love you, no matter how absolutely amazing you can be once someone gets to know you, the reality is this: Your success with the people that you want to impress, including potential girlfriends and boyfriends, spouses and employers —will be based almost entirely upon someone else’s perception of you within the first three to 17 seconds of your first encounter. Even if the perception is wrong, it is a fact that people sum up their interest in you almost instantaneously--and they believe their first opinions. An impression is a simple, primal response that is formed instinctively and takes a shockingly short amount of time to get. And once locked in, it is very difficult to change…in fact, most experts agree—impossible.
2. Don't interrogate. But ask what you want to know, on a first date. Alternately, don't spill your entire life story. Focus on finding out a few key facts -- facts that apply to what you want in a partner. For instance, make sure they are single. Separated is different from divorced. Find out if he or she has children, and if they want children. This can be a deal breaker for some couples. Get this info out of the way up front so as not to waste time.
3. Keep it to an hour. Make the first date for coffee, drinks or lunch if you don't know that much about the person, or if you are at all wary about whether or not he or she is right for you. Less time investment, less pressure …if there’s a mutual attraction, there’s a second date.
4. Google your date. It can't hurt. You may turn up something interesting.
5. Don't have sex on a first date -- especially if you’re a woman! Sex gets women invested emotionally. Men will sleep with you if they can – and if they can have sex with you right away, probably everyone else can too. Think about it. From his point of view, if you're sleeping with him on the first date, you probably slept with lots of other first dates. Whether or not it's true, it's what he's thinking. Ladies, it’s important to determine if the person you're dating is right for you, first, then reward him with sex if he makes all the cuts.
QUESTION: With internet dating men are able to pick up on what women want to hear, how would you suggest women get beyond that to find out if the guy they are interested in has all the "right stuff"?
ANSWER: Knowing yourself is more than half the work you have to do to be in a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship. Knowing what you like, want, and don’t want, in a partner will allow you to ask questions that will rule out anyone who isn’t right – and the same goes for your partner to you. It’s not really rejection when someone knows that you’re not the one for them – it’s saving you time from being with Mr. or Ms Wrong. So you have to view your questions to him or her the same way. The more careful and thoughtful your questions, the better you can rule out someone who’s time you’re wasting! Not to mention your own.
Here are five things to ask about:
1. Are they single? I know this sounds crazy, but you want to make sure that the person you’re talking to truly is single. Some people have separated from their spouses, physically, but not legally. Unless someone has a legal separation document, they are still married.
2. Age Range? There’s nothing wrong with asking someone’s age range. A woman over 35 is typically going to have babies on her mind a lot more than a woman between 20 and 30, just as a man over 35 is probably a better candidate for a committed relationship than a man in his 20’s or early 30’s.
3. Physique. Face it. Chemistry is important. I recommend dating someone who’s posted a RECENT SERIES of photos – not just one picture. If there are no photos posted—ask for pictures. If someone is unwilling to send photos – consider it a red flag and proceed with caution. Assuming you still want to meet them, be prepared for a range of what “5’10” and “athletic” or “fit” may actually be. And be honest about your own physique – you’d rather see your online date sigh with relief, or grin with delight when they set eyes on you for the first time rather than back up two steps and check for the door.
4. Education and career. There’s nothing wrong with a high school drop out – for some people. Others only want to date people with doctorate degrees. Some white collar workers love blue collar workers. Others don't. Are you okay dating a freelance artist or would you rather date someone with a steady job? Know this about yourself, and then ask. Some people use the internet dating services because they’re so busy with their careers that they don’t have time to meet people at coffee shops and the park. Yet, others use internet dating services because they have a whole lot of time on their hands. Find out where your date is in that spectrum.
5. Children. Does your date have children? Do they want children? Get this one out of the way up front. There is nothing wrong with knowing you don’t want to date someone with children, if in fact you don’t. Believe me, a single mom or dad wants to be with someone who wants their kids, just as you want to date someone who wants to be a dad one day, if having children is important to you. Also—do you believe that children need a stay-at-home mom, or do you think both parents should work? What does your date think?
When you ask questions, listen to the answers you get. If you get the run around or an answer you can't really understand, don't spin the answer into a positive. Listen. You didn't get an answer. Now what does that mean? I'll tell you what it means -- he or she didn't want to answer your question.
If you get an answer that is opposite of yours, accept that it's a deal breaker even if he or she is really hot.
QUESTION: How long have you been writing books on dating ? And giving dating advice professionally? You seem to enjoy your work, what aspects do you enjoy the most?
ANSWER: I have always enjoyed helping people, and I love doing things that make a positive difference. Today there seems to be an epidemic number of people who need support, guidance and encouragement pertaining to relationships and dating -- whether dating for the first time, or reentering the dating arena after a divorce. Lots of questions come to me from singles, and single parents, who are uncertain as to how to handle dating when one or the other (or both) have children. I have also found that many seniors have questions about the (seemingly) whole new world of dating.
I have found that in order for me to be helpful, it’s important to be direct -- to try and shed light on the reason so many men and women are not happy in dating…most are going about it wrong! For starters, singles have far more choices, today, in who they date -- and there are so many more venues to find dates (in no small part because of the internet and the explosion of online dating). As a result, dating is vastly more competitive. And if you want to get the one you want, rather than settle for the one you get, you have to treat yourself like a product, and learn how to sell yourself when it comes to dating.
Too many people just settle --- for themselves, as they are currently presenting themselves, and for the people they pull in, as a result of that image they're projecting. No wonder so many are unhappy in love. What women forget is that Prince Charles didn't stay happy with the beautiful Diana -- he fell for Camilla, the less beautiful, older woman. Why? Because what attracts a man is not always a centerfold facade -- although, don’t get me wrong, that certainly helps!
QUESTION: To what do you attribute your ability to give sound advice on dating?
ANSWER: People have always come to me -- not the other way around. And while my suggestions and advice are not always politically correct, nor what people (necessarily) want to hear -- my recommendations work and have proven to be what people need to hear ... to succeed in getting the result that they want.
When the Learning Annex, in Los Angeles, asked me to give a seminar on dating, I decided it was time to start putting my suggestions and advice down on paper…. Out of the seminar grew my first book, Date Out Of Your League (for men only). The audience for that book grew, and so did the number of people -- both men and women (and the media) -- asking me more questions on dating and relationships, so I started “Ask April” the advice column, next came www.AskApril.com the online magazine, and January 2006, Think & Date Like A Man (my dating book for women) was released. It was a pretty organic path.
In short, my advice and methods work! Yes, we are living in modern times, and cyber dating is a virtual reality, but don't be fooled. Men and women still seek in one another the same thing that they did thousands of years ago -- their yearnings and desires have not changed. What has changed is that it is now obvious that Feminist Movement has given us bad advice and told us what we supposedly want, and the media has augmented that bad advice, and many people have believed them. But I'm here to tell you, don't believe the Feminist hype, and ignore the media -- they're wrong.
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Arabelle,
European
